So basically, like always im writing cause im kinda upset but mostly inhopes that one main person will read this. I read an entry on my best friends myspace and it upset me but it was completely true. I have come to college and i have changed, I've made changes i've been needing to make for a long time, it's just being so far from home and away from what was normal has made me finally realize that. Yet i think it only feels like i have changed dramatically because of the distance.  People here have seen no change since that first day of school in the summer, but then again, they dont know me as well. Its not that ive changed the way i am, its that i've changed the way i feel so stuff i've wanted to do and say and been afraid to (like a skirt and boots) i am no longer afraid to. Maybe its because people here don't act like they do in high school, no bad mouthing, no judging based on small things, little immaturity ( for the most part, i dunt speak for all). Or maybe its because i myself have understand now that i shouldnt care about others, i never should have and honestly i couldnt even tell u what has opened my eyes. Either way it is not you, its just the way things happened. The distance never bothered me in the beginning, it was normal we had to deal with it. then classes became harder and homework pilled in. It is very hectic here at school and i do find it hard to have to time or to even want to just sit behind a computer.

Christmas break i was heart broken when the one time i got to hang out with you you invited ur boyfriend. doent make me feel like u care about hanging out with me and that u even want to if u invite someone else (expecially someone else to dance with leaving me partnerless and alone) and in the end we didnt even go and i didnt get to see u at all. You know me, little things bother me for a very long time, that bothered me for a very long time, all the way back to school. And to make it even harder, i didnt recieve a happy birthday till the day after my birthday. I kno you were busy and you couldnt help it but i couldnt help but let it hurt me. But after holding all that in and letting it stay there i begin to feel like those were hints. Like you didn't want a best friend that couldnt be there by ur side everyday, so i tried to back off, i didn't want to bug you about hanging out if it just meant being shot down again. I dont even know half the faces on ur myspaces anymore, you have tons of new friends and people to make u happy and that kills me inside. But i dont worry because you seem happy. Then recently i got a phone call from you, i answered excited and all i got was a 1 minutes convo about a question you had and then a simple "good bye" like you didnt care. All i kno is i still have a best friend and even tho i do not see her often, all we've been through in the past makes me feel like a lil distance cant hurt, if anything it will help. everybody alwasy told us that. but i still consider u my best friend, i just am scared u dunt feel the same way. i kno you are going to go to college, you are going to mature, you are going to change and it is going to be normal. and i am so excited for you because i kno how amazing it is, but all i kno is before we have to separate again i still wanna spend the summer, blasting country music, driving for no reason, sitting in the park, taking pictures for mr. iwearthesamepantseveryday, and just being us just like in the picture of us i have sitting next to my desk here at college, me you my truck and the summer!!

now i kno none of that makes sense but hopefully it will for the person its mean for. Its just my quick thoughts down before i hold them in any longer and explode. and i hope i help things and not just completely mess things up even mroe. because its only meant to help, to explain the way i feel.

Currently Listening Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast) By Jonathan Larson, Jeff Potter, Anthony Jackson, Daniel A. Weiss, Ira Siegel, Kenny Brescia, Steve Skinner, Adam Pascal, Aiko Nakasone, Anthony Rapp, Byron Utley, Daphne Rubin-Vega, Fredi Walker, Gilles Chiasson, Gwen Stewart, Idina Menzel, Jesse L. Martin, Kristen Lee Kelly, Rodney Hicks, Stevie Wonder, Taye Diggs, Timothy Britten Parker, Wilson Jermaine Heredia see related